On My Heart

when i was crying because i lost my sister
when i was crying because i lost my father
when i was diagnosed with the fate of this
when everybody backed away
when the whole system changed
then when Erica also found out she had the same fate
when i grieve of the loss
of the things i can’t do anymore
of the fear of dying
of the pain of living
lying on the floor in pain unable to move
the doctors all playing games saying it cannot be helped
its still the same way to this day the doctors tell me they can’t help
i walk out crying with expectations broken no matter how far traveled
nervous in stores shaking from the pressure of being out
trying not to think of the doctor as he watches my every move
when i feel so alone in this fate as noone understands it its not the same
as adult hd or symptom wise who cares anymore
when i’m still having so many seizures and they’re getting worse
when i find out what i can and can’t eat the hard way
when i find out i cannot eat like i was i never thought it could get worse
until i found out i swallow wrong and can’t be helped only managed
when i decided i didnt want a feeding tube
when i can’t go anywhere or do anything anymore
everyone doing things i can’t do anymore
when i can’t make videos i’ve made my whole life or do much of anything anymore when i can’t sleep or i can’t eat or i can’t stand it anymore
i can continue this list as long as i can write
but my point is
through all the trials and pain and loss and whatever still to come

Who was there?
God and Jesus yes
but who was there laying next to me on the floor whenever i fall or have a seizure comes
with to ease the nervous and depression i owe them so much more then i can give
I Have A Cross And PAWPRINTS On My Heart!!

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